Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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