i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
