Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my being single is dangerous.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
