He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
