Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize