My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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