the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
