im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
