I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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