This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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