did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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