Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
