How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
