and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
