so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
