i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
50% drunk capacity currently
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
