You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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