omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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