he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
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