I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
