She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My dick has a subreddit
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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