i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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