my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
