Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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