You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I wear drunk well.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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