So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
