11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize