My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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