just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Randomize
