Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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