I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize