I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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