I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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