I have demons in me.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
