ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
