I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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