I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
