Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
