I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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