I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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