Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
