if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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