my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
