Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
