I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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