dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
