The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
