I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
