I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Help. Why am I so naked?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
