Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
