You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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