ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
