YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
