Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
