I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
