so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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