Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
