How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
